22. 02. 2019

What will happen if I don’t “finish”?

“When the Soul wants to experience something, she throws out an image in front of her, and steps into it” Meister Ekhart

The biggest challenge I faced in this final session, was coming to terms with “finishing”. I am so used to working under time pressure, towards a deadline, making sure that I finish on time and not only that but that what I deliver is perfect and contains no mistakes. Could I “allow” myself not to finish? What if I didn´t finish? What would be the worst that could happen? Nothing. Despite trying to remind myself that there was “no finish line”, that I could continue with the art piece in my own time, whenever I wanted to, it made no difference. I was on edge, found it difficult to fully let go and relax and just enjoy the process. But I tried and one of the biggest gifts in the past weeks, is being able to recognise and observe what is happening, and sometimes I even manage to do so without judging 😉

Half the session today was spent doing a warm-up exercise and thereafter finalising the art piece. The second half the session was spent reflecting and writing about the art piece, the process and that which has emerged.

During the warm-up session I changed the title of my collage from “PLAY” to “FOCUS”, and yet in hindsight “PLAY” was intuitively that which would have allowed me to continue the process in a lighter, free-er manner. Instead my inner critic was berating me for making a “mistake” and my inner child was sulking because it didn´t feel like it had the freedom to play and express itself the way it wanted to. This is typical of my ongoing internal conversation and I´m sure it may sound familiar to some of you. I´m learning to honour the awareness of this conversation, not judge it.

I did manage to “finish” and yes I had fun, I played and I focused. I was intrigued by what emerged. I added more dots, more circles. I layered on gold paper squares like a mosaic, enjoying the reflected light… I allowed myself to play, even when I kept thinking “I should be focussing”. The dichotomy is that when I´m completely relaxed and playing, I am most focused.

I am left feeling inspired by my art piece, it is rich, full, interesting, varied, yet everything is connected. This is me, this is my vision… I feel like I have emerged like the butterfly from the cocoon. There is an endless source of light and energy. Fragments, breaking away, spreading the love. I am part of this, one of many.

The greatest shift has been learning to trust myself, to help and hold myself knowing that I can – there is no mistake, there is no finish line, there is simply the process. Letting go and letting myself play, having reached that “tipping point”. Recognising this point, has helped me become less anxious, because I now have had a number of positive experiences from “tipping over”. I have created a safe space for myself.

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